Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen