I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?