ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
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if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile