My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
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“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
u spoke cat all this time??????
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Barbie gone wild
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes