“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My time has come.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.