On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.