[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
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an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
worst…sale…ever
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……