Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
S M O L
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
A drum solo but on your face.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool