to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
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I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I feel seen