Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Well, this is awkward
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?