Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.