You Might Also Like
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”