My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
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Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist