LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
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Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.