I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels