*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
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HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
sir, my pâté if you please
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?