rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Every work meeting this week
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.