Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
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“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.