A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
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I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Proctology is located in A55
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.