‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
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Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.