My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”