Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
You Might Also Like
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
79.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I think we should hear other voices.