Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim