My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
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I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
peep davidson
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”