When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
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toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Blew out my flip flop…
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
seems fine
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Our lord and savoury.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*