Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.