Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My safe word is Worcestershire
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man