Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Girl, same.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
me and the Superbowl rn
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.