They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
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moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
NASA has no chill
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?