Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.