My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
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Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.