I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES