her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
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Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?