My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
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My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time