REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
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Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
oh shit
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.