What even happened today?
You Might Also Like
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?