I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”