*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
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My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Super Hand Dog Face
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!