I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
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Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?