Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
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Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face