That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.