[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
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Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
did it work
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.