Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
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I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.