*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo