[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.