Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.