wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim