My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.