[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
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Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
this article brought to you by lions
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich