Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
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[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave